The load of thinking of everything
Carrying out a task and remembering it exists are two distinct jobs. The second is invisible, and that is what makes its division so hard to discuss.
An old notion
The sociologist Monique Haicault proposed in 1984 the notion of mental load to designate the work of organising, planning and anticipating that running a household requires, distinct from carrying out the tasks themselves.
The notion became popular much later, carried by work and accounts circulated from the 2010s onwards. Its recent fortune masks how old it is, and the idea that this would be a new problem is inaccurate.
Two distinct jobs
Emptying the dishwasher takes six minutes. Knowing that it is full, deciding when, checking that it was done, are of another order: these operations have neither beginning nor end, and they continue while you are thinking about something else.
It is this difference in nature that makes the division delicate. A person can carry out half the tasks without bearing any share of the organising, and the ensuing conversation goes in circles because each is counting something different.
The threshold mechanism
A simple mechanism explains part of the imbalances observed, without assuming ill will. Whoever has the lowest tolerance threshold for disorder acts first, and that head start becomes a permanent division.
The same mechanism holds for anticipation: whoever first thinks of the enrolment, the appointment or the present becomes the one who always thinks of it, and stops being able to deliberately not think of it once they know nobody else will.
Why delegating is not enough
The usual response consists in asking for help. It fails to address the problem, because asking presupposes having identified the task, and therefore having done the invisible part of the work. Whoever helps takes on only the execution.
The only division that lightens the load consists in assigning whole domains, with the charge of thinking about them, and not tasks to be carried out on request. The difference is slight to state and considerable to live.
What the discussion must avoid
Two pitfalls recur. The first consists in keeping score, which turns the conversation into a trial and freezes positions. The second consists in treating the gap as a character trait, which makes it impossible to discuss.
Framing the problem as the division of identifiable work, rather than in terms of attention or love, is what makes it negotiable. It is also what allows the person who was not bearing the load to take it on without having to admit a fault.
Key points
The notion of mental load was proposed as early as 1984 by the sociologist Monique Haicault.
Carrying out a task and thinking of the task are two distinct jobs, and only the second is invisible.
Helping on request does not reduce the load: only assigning whole domains, with the responsibility for thinking about them, shifts it.
This article describes documented mechanisms and disagreements. It recommends no position, no party and no vote, and commits to no reading other than that of the work it cites.
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